


Fall Back To Me

by malfoysdyad



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: 2020 RFFA, Ben is an idiot but he's learning, Ben is coping with emotions, F/M, Flashback to their meeting scene, Get-back-together story, HEA, IS EMOTIONAL, Italics are Ben's letter to Rey, Modern AU, Regular letters are the story, Starts off with them "broken up", Theme: Tidal Waves, letter writing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-24
Updated: 2020-10-24
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:48:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,233
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27105979
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/malfoysdyad/pseuds/malfoysdyad
Relationships: Rey/Ben Solo
Comments: 5
Kudos: 15
Collections: To Rapture the Earth and the Seas: the 2020 Reylo Fanfiction Anthology





	Fall Back To Me

_ Dear Rey, _

That was all he had written in his letter so far. His pencil hovered over the paper as he struggled to put his thoughts into words, unable to tell her everything he wanted to say. Outside his window, the ocean churned and crashed against the shore, with dark clouds looming in the background; nature gave him a storm to match the one stirring inside him. 

He set the pen down and shifted his gaze until it settled on the photograph of Rey and him on his wall. It was one of those cheap photostrips that one would get at the mall. It was blurry, his hair was mussed, and they failed to pose correctly by the time the camera flashed. 

It was everything to him.

He took the strip off the wall and held it in his hands, the faint scent of her perfume still lingering on it from when she spilled her entire bottle. A smile bloomed across his face as he remembered. 

_ I don’t really have the words to tell you everything that’s been running through my mind.  _

Suddenly, the perfume was overwhelming as his head became memory lane, leaving his eyes and heart stinging. He set the strip down and walked out of his study and into the living room, trying to breathe again. 

But the perfume continued to linger in his nostrils; stubborn just like the person who wore it. He threw open all the windows to clear the scent, letting the stormy breezes envelop him in their coolness, temporarily blowing away his pain. 

He sank into one of his chairs and turned on the TV, hoping the mind-numbing properties would take control and quiet his thoughts. It worked, until during his channel surfing he came across  _ Roman Holiday.  _ Her favourite movie. 

_ You probably don’t even want to hear from me, though, because I’m the only one who caused you this much pain.  _

Unable to change the channel, he sat and watched the movie, the stinging in his eyes returning. It was the scene where Joe Bradley finds Princess Anne curled up in the Italian night air; the start of a doomed romance. He remembered how much she loved this movie, always teasing him about how their relationship was just as forbidden as the princess and Joe’s. “Only we were given the good fortune to have more than a bittersweet ending,” she’d say as she snuggled closer to him on the sofa. 

He shut off the TV and hurled the remote across the room as he bit the inside of his cheek to keep himself from crying. He couldn’t cry; not when it was his fault. 

_ I told you that I loved you and that I’d do anything for you. And it was true, until I became a selfish, cowardly piece of shit. The exact thing I told you I’d never do.  _

A metallic tang filled his mouth as he bit his cheek raw to contain his cries, and he ran onto his deck outside of the house, trying to run away from the memories. 

It didn’t work, though. They were so deeply rooted in his mind that they showed up clear as day, taunting him with their happiness. He gripped the railing and watched the storm brewing in the horizon as his mind was assaulted with the onslaught of memories, starting with the day they met.

\-------

He remembered how he was sipping coffee on one of the little cafes by the beach when a rogue cyclist crashed into his table, spilling both his coffee onto his shirt and him out of his seat. The cyclist landed right on top of him. The anger he had in that moment came suddenly, and he was about to let the person have it when they took their helmet off. It wasn’t a he, but a she. And she was an angel. Silky waves pulled back. Freckles scattered across her cheeks like stardust. Hazel eyes that suspended sunlight. 

Her expression was frantic as she said something that he didn’t quite hear; he was still captivated by her beauty. When his brain finally came back, she was still frantically speaking, almost sobbing. 

“...and I’ll pay for your shirt to be cleaned right now. And I’ll replace your coffee and whatever that was. Oh my god, I am so sorry, sir!”

_ I realise that I don’t have much merit to say anything nor would my words be enough, but if you’d hear me out, that would be more than enough for me.  _

No words came out of his mouth, except for an “Uhm,” which confused her and left him internally smacking himself.  _ Nice going Benjamin,  _ he thought,  _ a pretty girl is right in front of you and all you can say is “Uhm”? Pathetic.  _

“Uhm...it’s alright. No really, it’s alright.”

“But your shirt! It’s ruined!”

“Trust me sweetheart, I’ve had worse spilled on me by worse people. Not that you’re a bad person or anything, and I shouldn’t have called you sweetheart because that’s weird...I just…I...” he was at a loss for words, his cheeks burning with embarrassment. 

A hint of a smile flickered on her lips as she realised what was going on. The flush on her own cheeks brightened as she couldn’t make eye contact with him, “No you’re fine. But I’m really sorry about your shirt and coffee. I didn’t realise I was this bad at bike riding until it was too late.”

She kept turning redder and redder out of her embarrassment for causing such a scene; everyone on the boardwalk was looking at them tangled on the ground. He didn’t want all these bystanders to continue staring at them, so he picked himself up, helped her up, and yelled, “Alright, show’s over! Mind your own business!”, and, miraculously, everyone turned back to whatever they were doing. 

That’s when he turned to her, looking down at her. “Accidents happen all the time. I guarantee you that every nosy fucker here has done something embarrassing that haunts them from time to time.”

_ I was a fool. A stupid, ridiculous fool who let a man manipulate me and make me think that my career was more important than love. I should have seen it coming and yet I was so blinded by the prospect of success that I let him turn me into a puppet and believe his lies.  _

She opened her mouth, presumably to offer to pay for his coffee and his shirt cleaning again, but he never got to know what she was going to say before he cut her off. “You’re not going to pay for the coffee or my shirt or anything. Really, it’s just an accident that could have happened to me at any time; a loose coffee lid could have caused this stain.”

Her lips pursed and she stared at the ground, her hands twisting. “Well, the least I can do is buy you dinner or something. You know, as a sorry for crashing into your life, no pun intended.”

He stared at her, and her face flushed even redder, until he realised what she did. She had asked him to dinner. Now it was his face that he could feel flushing. A pretty girl had asked him to dinner, and here he was, standing like a buffoon. When he found his tongue again, he finally responded, “Dinner would be great. Where are we going?”

Her flush lessened and a relieved smile took place. “I know this great place on the pier. The Millenium Falcon? Best seafood in the world.”

Now it was his turn for a smile to bloom on his face. “Oh yeah, I love that place.”

Her eyes widened, “You know where I’m talking about? Oh my gosh, this is so great! Most people don’t even know it exists!”

“Of course I know it exists. My dad would kill me if I forgot his own restaurant.”

Her jaw dropped. “Your dad is Han Solo? The guy with three Michelin stars and enough sarcasm and whiskey to give any gangster a run for their money?”

He nodded, stifling a laugh from the way she described his dad. “You met him?”

“He sits with me every time I go in. Sometimes, your mum joins us if she’s not too busy doing whatever. They’re the sweetest people I’ve ever met.”

_ Snoke was a snivelling bastard who only saw me as profit. He saw you as an obstacle for his quest in class climbing and wealth building, and he used you as a means to manipulate me into becoming the corporate puppet that he wanted. One that would stop and nothing to increase the status and wealth of him and him only. It was so obvious, but I was too blind to see it.  _

He couldn’t believe it. What are the odds that the pretty girl who crashed into him already won over his parents? Astronomical. Pretty much impossible. Yet here they were. 

“That doesn’t scare you away, does it? Your parents knowing me already? And me suggesting to eat at their restaurant?”

“It only makes it easier, since we can skip over the embarrassing baby stories and ghastly childhood pictures.”

“What are you saying--sorry, I know your parents told me your name, but I’m blanking.”

“Ben. Ben Solo.”

“Well, Ben Solo, my name is Rey, and I think there are some crab legs with our names on them. Shall we?”

She didn’t even let him answer before she dragged him along, struggling with how tall he was. But he let her do it anyways, laughing at how cute she was.

\-------

His knuckles were pure white with how hard he gripped the railing. When his head came back from its stroll through that memory, he realised how cold and dark it had become as the storm hurled closer to the shoreline. He walked back into his house, sitting by the fireplace to try and warm the coldness he felt both inside and out. 

As he watched the flames flicker, he continued to reminisce. Their first official date (at a venue away from his parents’ restaurant). Rollerblading. Sticky ice cream that melted down to their hands in the hot summer sun. Each little detail burned in his mind like the embers he was watching, but instead of warming him, they left him feeling colder than ever. The waves outside crashed into him, drowning him. 

_ This is in no way your fault. You were only too supportive and encouraging; your patience as I worked later nights and earlier mornings and rarely came home for more than a few hours was your way of showing how much you wanted me to succeed. My dumb ass took that as a sign of continuing to follow his orders and, eventually, coming home became a holiday for me. I never took in consideration how much this impacted you; especially since I knew you struggled to be alone after what you told me happened to you.  _

He needed to talk to someone. He took out his cell phone and opened his contacts, but who? Poe, Finn, Kaydel, Paige and Rose wouldn’t talk to him. Hux was an option, but he’d end up angry again with how much Hux would chime in about what a dumbass he was. And he would never call Phasma, Jessika, or Snap lest he wish to be sucked into their own issues. He debated on calling Jannah, since she was family, but with how close she was to the Tico sisters, he’d receive another tell-off from her too. 

After eliminating everyone in his contacts, including his uncles, grandparents, and random people he added just because his mom told him to, he was left with only two options.

His parents. 

Now it came to the decision of which parent. He thought about his dad, but then he realised that his dad was not a stellar advice giver; the man couldn’t instruct in anything beyond crab-fishing, mechanics, sarcasm, and whiskey drinking. 

That meant the only person he could call was his mom. So he did. 

_ I should have been better. Better at saying no. Better at calling or even sending a message to see how you were doing. Better at responding to you and listening to your voicemails. Better at finding any opportunity to get the hell out of that prison of an office and see you, hold you, kiss you. My Rey of sunshine, the light of my life, the only woman I truly loved. But instead, I let it all crumble.  _

The phone rang, and rang, and rang, until it hit voicemail. The monotone voice telling him to leave a message only worsened the alone feeling as he left his message. 

“Hey mom. I know it’s been a long time. I know I should have called you or Dad instead of disappearing for months. But I really need to talk to you. If you could call me back, that’d be great. Please.”

He hung up, the air empty and silent. That was when his brain clicked and he realised that he was in the same position in which he put Rey: alone, empty, and feeling like he was unworthy of being loved. 

_ Each step I took in “advancing my career” was another step further away from you, another misplaced card in the house we were building. And I crossed the finish line with nothing. No you, no friends, no wealth. Thinking I was playing the system, I played myself and paid the price over and over. All I had left was a corporate position and a boss that saw me as a dying asset.  _

Guilt and shame washed over him again, and he wallowed in their aftermath until his stomach rumbling cut through the fog in his head. He was so preoccupied with feelings that he hadn’t eaten all day. He wearily walked into his kitchen moving on autopilot as he prepared something to eat. It was a miracle he didn’t burn himself or the house down, but he successfully made a meal and sat at his island to eat when finally he saw what he made. Fish and chips. Rey’s favourite comfort food in the world. The first dish he made for them when they moved into a real house together. The one dish he had made for her every Friday night, before work tore them away. 

Suddenly, he wasn’t hungry anymore. 

He shoved the plate away and went back to flop back on the sofa, staring at the ceiling fan as it spun non-stop. 

_ Even then I was too stupid to see anything happening. It took my parents yelling at me about what an idiot I was over the phone for me to even see what had happened. But by then, it was too late. You dissolved out of my life and I truly had no one, not even my parents to speak to. I deserved it all though, and I’m glad that my parents cut me off and got me to wake up to the reality of what was going on outside of a glass-window office and cheap coffee at 2 am. So I quit. I quit that job with Snoke, blocked every way he could contact me, and walked away from everything.  _

He didn’t know how long he sat there, staring at the ceiling, but he didn’t have any desire to move from that spot. Then the power went out, leaving him shrouded in darkness. Just like he was four months ago, when he had finally broken away from Snoke and needed to get back on his feet. Only this time, it wasn’t as simple as “find a new job” and “go to therapy.” 

No, it was harder than that. There was a Rey-sized hole in him that would never be filled, no matter who or what came into his life. 

The sofa suddenly became uncomfortable, causing him to move to his room, where he crawled between the sheets in his bed, trying to drift into slumber to escape. The air was heavy and the wind howled; the storm was suspended somewhere that wasn’t here. It took a while, but the heavy air made him drowsy and he slept, giving his brain another avenue to haunt him through dreams. 

He dreamt of Rey in every divine form. There she was, as herself. Sunlight that was warming him all over. The rain that drenched him completely. She was the earth, sky, ocean. A shooting star in a sea of constellations. Tidal waves that crashed into him and dragged him further out. She was everywhere, but he couldn’t get close. Anywhere he reached, she vanished elsewhere, leaving him alone and desperate to hold her close. 

_ Upon quitting, I found another job with Amilyn, who treats me like a human, and I’ve gone to therapy to cope with being used and abused by that vile son of a biscuit. But in my spare time these last four months, I’ve spent a lot of time thinking. It doesn’t really do anything, but it makes me realise the chain-reaction I started. It makes me take responsibility for my shitty actions and responses (as I should, of course). And I’m glad that I’ve learned to own up to my mistakes and understand that I am a piece of shit who never deserved you. From the day I met you, I should have realised that I was out of your league.  _

Waking with a start, tears threatened to spill over and cries were caught in his throat. Everything felt heavy, so heavy, and before he knew it, a single tear spilled through his lashes, splashing on the carpet. 

That’s when he lost it. The cries he had been holding back for so long were released; a guttural, animalistic sound that no one should ever hear. The storm arrived, both inside him and outside the walls. 

He cried for hours, letting out everything. He relived every memory from start to finish as the cinema inside his mind started the show. Their first kiss on a cool autumn evening, her lips sweet with the taste of the peppermint chocolate they shared. Move-in day, when they made a fort out of her empty boxes like they were children. The first time they made love, his brain nearly imploding at the fact that their relationship progressed beyond infatuation and became real love as he shattered into a mind-blowing orgasm alongside her. His pride in giving her such physical pleasure surged high that night. The day that he finally said “I love you” to her, and she did not hesitate saying it back to him. 

Every memory came rushing out, crashing into him like rough tidal waves that churned inside the ocean. They continued to batter him until he was at mercy to their relentless assault. 

_ I have come to realise that it’s not just my work that caused our downfall, but my own ignorance in our relationship. I believed that with every milestone, our relationship would settle into something calm, but I was far from correct. What I was missing was the knowledge that our relationship is like the tides that you and I loved to watch while waiting for the sunset. Our love was strong until it receded as we got comfortable, and instead of coming back to build upon it, I was the damn fool that took it as a sign of stability. Instead of bringing you closer to crash and build again, I let you be swept out. Without me.  _

By the time his sobs receded into hiccups and his eyes were dry from being wrung out, he felt miserable. More than before. He sunk back into bed, staring out the window at the storm that pounded relentlessly against the glass. That was when his phone buzzed against the bedside table, the caller ID flashing “Mom.” 

Weak fingers gripped the phone as he slid to answer it. “Mom?”

“Ben?” his mother’s worried voice filled his ears. “Ben, are you alright?”

“No. No, I’m not.” was all he was able to choke out before he burst into sobs again.

Between sobs, he uttered apology after apology and tried to tell his mom how he was feeling and how he needed to talk to Rey, but there was no way she’d talk to him after this. He felt horrible; he had been through the wringer once and was going through it again with his second round of sobs. 

Surprisingly, his mom didn’t yell. Instead, she soothed him as best as she could over the phone and talked to him calmly until the sobs became hiccups again. 

“Ben, the most important thing is that you own up to your actions. I think that you did, and you definitely paid your price.”

“Yeah, I did,” he said wearily, voice thick from crying. “I have nothing now.”

“That’s not true. It has never been true. You always had your father and me. Your uncles and grandparents. Your cousin. Your family has never left your side, Ben, even when we were disappointed,” his mother said, pleading for him to understand. 

“You pushed all of us away. As punishment, you told yourself. You got yourself to believe that you were unworthy of meaningful relationships, since you ruined your most important one,” she added when he didn’t respond. 

_ I let your greatest fear of being left alone happen. I’m so sorry, Rey. I really can’t explain how much I just need you to know I’m really fucking sorry and that I know that it’s all my fault and that you were innocent in all of this I know my apologies probably fall on deaf ears now, but I deserve that. I deserve to be hated by you and every one of our close friends. I never deserved someone as wonderful as you. I was the negativity that clouded you and dampened your naturally bright self, and I have nothing to say to defend myself; I know that everything is on me.  _

She was right, though. It was eerie how she knew everything about him, but every single word that she said was correct. 

“What do I do now, Mom?”

“Well, have you tried talking to her?” she asked. “You can’t really apologise if you don’t say anything to her.”

“I wanted to, but I don’t know if she wants to speak to me.”

He could hear his mom groan on the phone out of frustration. “Did I raise you to be an idiot? No! Think! She still comes and eats at your dad’s restaurant and talks to us like nothing changed, but your dad and I can see the sadness in her eyes. You think she wants to keep up the silent charade? No!”

Words became stammers, but his mother wasn’t finished. “Besides, she deserves an apology, whether you think she hates you or not! It’s up to her to accept it but damn it, Ben, the least you can do is at least actually apologise to her after all you did! _ ” _

Again, his mom was right. Rey did deserve a proper apology. But what was he going to say? “I’m sorry” wasn’t going to cut it. No, he needed to be sincere and let her know how sorry he was. 

_ You don’t need to accept this apology; you don’t owe me anything. If you want me to disappear from your life, I’d happily do so, if it means that I was able to make you happy one last time. Whatever you do or whoever you meet, I hope you’re happy. I hope that your life is only happiness from here on out and if anything happens, I hope it smooths over quickly for you so that you don’t have to suffer again. You deserve everything good and better in this world.  _

That was the question he pondered for days. Words built in his head, but they would fall down quickly. They sounded fake, empty. His head ached constantly and he lost sleep as he continued to try and piece together words that would convey how sorry he was. Oceans rose and the sun fell, and he was nowhere closer to knowing what to say to her. 

He was sitting on his deck, watching the churning tides below when something clicked. Suddenly, all the words he needed to say were right there, solid and clear. He ran back to his study, where his unfinished letter sat, and when the pencil touched the paper, the words flowed out. 

_ You’re strong. Beautiful. Intelligent. Happy. You are the exact antithesis of what I am, and I can’t continue to drag you down. Burn every memory, throw away all our photos; just do anything that will make you happy again. The world is too bleak without your smile to brighten everything up and I can’t stand to think of you unhappy like this.  _

Everything he wrote down now was raw. There were no tricky metaphors or hidden meanings; he laid bare every part of him and hoped that she would understand that they were all hers. 

_ But if there ever is a chance you would take me back, I promise you I will never leave your side. This isn’t a marriage vow, but through sickness and health, better or for worse, I will always be there. I made the mistake of leaving you once, and I swear on my life and everything I have that this is a promise I will never break. I’ve lost you once, and if given the miraculous chance to have you again, I can’t lose you again. Nothing will ever fill the you-sized hole in my heart; you completed me in a way that I didn’t know was possible. However, I understand if you never want to see my face again (I wouldn’t blame you either). But please remember: no matter your choice, you will always have my heart and my support, even if you don't want it. You’ve changed me for the better, Rey, and I hope that whatever endeavors you choose in life, they’ll work out perfectly for you.  _

_ I love you. I should have said it more often, and it’s probably too late now, but I always have and I always will.  _

_ Yours truly,  _

_ Benjamin Solo _

Tears were streaming down his face and his entire arm hurt from how hard he had gripped the pencil. But he didn’t stop until he finished writing. By that time, the sun had come up and a new dawn was breaking across the horizon. 

Sealed in an envelope with her name written across the front, he now faced the decision of whether or not he actually wanted to mail this to her. But then he realised he was an idiot and that she deserved to have him deliver these words to her in person; they were his apology, after all. 

Without hesitation, he got into his car and drove to her apartment. Down those familiar streets he went, closer to a life he used to know. With every turn, his heart rate went up with both fear and awe at the fact that he would see her again. His jaw tightened as he tried to calm himself down as he turned onto her street. 

And just like that, he stood in front of her apartment door, envelope in hand. He was shaking like never before and he would have turned around and left if it weren’t for his mom’s voice in the back of his head nagging at him “ _ I didn’t birth you to raise a coward. _ ”

So he knocked. One one thousand, two one thousand, three one thousand. He got all the way to 15 before the door opened, and as soon as it opened, his breath went away. 

There she was. Looking at him. He was trapped in her hazel irises again as he tried to form words. But just like the first time he saw her, his brain and tongue failed him. Once again, he was left staring like an idiot until she waved her hand in front of his face. “Hello? What do you want, Ben?”

He didn’t notice that her voice was thick or that her eyes were full of unshed tears, but in his off-guard state, all he could do was hand her his letter. Surprisingly, she took it, and they both stood there as she ripped it open and read it. 

Pain clouded her expression as she read it, and though it wasn’t a very long letter, it took her some time to finish it. But at some point, there were tears rolling down her cheeks and he could feel his own threatening to spill over. By the time she looked up from it, both of them were silently crying. “You idiot,” she said, voice full of both anger and sadness. 

His heart fell. She didn’t want him back. It didn’t surprise him; it just hurt a little more. He silently turned to leave when a hand grabbed his wrist. He turned around to look at her, looked at her hand on his wrist, and looked back at her, confused. 

“You just promised to never leave me again, and here you are, walking away again! ”

“You don’t want me to leave?” he asked, confusion muddling his voice. 

“I never wanted you to leave! Not the first time and certainly not now! You think I wanted to be without you?” she shouted, voice thick with tears. “These last four months have been the most painful of my life! I wanted to call you but I was afraid you wouldn’t answer me. I wrote so many letters that I never sent. I can’t live without you, Ben; you were everything to me.”

He couldn’t believe his ears. “You...you still want me?”

She cried as she slapped his arm, “Yes, you ninny. I want nothing except for you.”

She threw herself into his arms, wrapping her own arms around his torso. Instinctively, his own snaked around her, pulling her even closer. Just in that gesture, a sense of security enveloped him and for the first time in months, he felt human again. 

His brain could not process anything now. She still wanted him and was here, in his arms. She looked up at him and spoke the three magic words that he needed to hear: “I love you.”

He immediately pulled her up and kissed her. She was caught off-guard, but she melted into the kiss, and the waves inside him roared and crashed everywhere. Her legs wrapped around him and he shifted his arms to hold her up, never once letting his lips leave hers. They were still sweet, with the taste of honey lingering on them from something. 

Everything around them ceased to exist as they finally broke for air, looking deeply into each other's eyes. The golden flecks of sunlight were still suspended in hers, and he couldn’t help but roam his eyes over her face again, taking in every detail he took for granted. When she pulled him down for another kiss, he knew all was well. Sure, they’d need time to work out the kinks and there was the matter of getting their friends to not hate him anymore, but it could take as long as it needed; her by his side was all he needed. 

The next time they crashed, he’d fall back with her. 


End file.
